march 16th-a hard day for me

March 16, 2008 - Sunday
sunday march 16th the end of a LONG week Current mood: optimistic
i didnt have this part in at first but i figured it would be good to have in for journaling purposes. so here is how the start to the end of this long week began for me:
right now im just trying to take it one day at a time and pray for the best. it has ben hard. today especially for some reason...ben crying a lot. sean and i went to breakfast this morning at dennys and i thought i was going ot be soo happy to eat real food (sides burger king) and i just got to thinking about ti all and started crying for no reason and sean got worried. i told him i was ok. i managed to pull it together but then there was this prego girl sitting at the counter behind me and the waitress asked her how far along she was and she laughed and said "too far along!" i just lost it. what i wouldnt give to be pregnant still and know owen was going ot be ok and we wouldnt be dealing with all this right now. i now know there is a reason why youre supposed to eb prego for 9 mths or closer to that 9 mth mark. she should be grateful she doesnt ahve to deal with seeing her baby hooked up to everything and not knowing when you get to see him come home and having to ask to hold your own baby. its soo much...every little thing means soo much, every breath he takes and every time he opens his eyes and looks at me. its soo hard.....im trying to be strong but its soo much to deal with.....
well, my mom, dad, older brother john and vinny came out to see us today. John hadnt seen owen yet so he went intot he nicu with me 1st as we can only have one person at a time and i told him he could touch him but he said that was ok. i wasnt surprised as he wouldnt touch vinny for th elongest time sinc ehe said he was too small and so if vinny was too small then owen is way too small. i cant blame him. sean and i both were nervous to touch owen too for the 1st time. i mean we knew babies came that small but we never thought itd be our baby.
sean went in with my dad next and my mom came in after my brother while i was still in there. then we decided to take vinny in. so sean and picked vinny up so he could see int he incubator and he kept trying to stick his hand in it saying "on. ON" he wanted in it. we told him it was baby Owen and he said "thats my baby! Thats MY baby!" and ket trying to get intot he incubator. it was sweet but he was getting a bit loud so we decided it was going to be a short but sweet visit. he then said "Bye Bye Owen!" and we left.
we all went downstairs to have something to eat and then sean and john left to go back to oak harbor to pick up my car and other things sean and i will need. my dad, mom and vin and i went back up to see owen. vinny and my mom came in and vinny was much calmer this time and he kept trying to get into the incubator still. we told him he had to be quiet cuz baby owen was sleeping. he started whispering and saying "baby owen sleeping" and "night night baby owen" then when we left he said "i love you baby owen!" it made me melt.
then my parents left after a quick stop at the commisary and sean is gone now still too so its just me sitting in the hotel. i broke down right after they left and am still trying to relax and not get too emotional. im trying to be strong but its soo hard seeing your lil guy hooked up to all these things and fighting to get bigger and stronger so he can come home and we can be a family. its hard knowing vinny has no clue wahts going, which may be the best for him, and not getting to see my him all the time...i miss him despite his whinning.lol. what i wouldnt give to be home as a family right now and to have to worry abotu hats for dinner or what time sean will be off tomorow vs all of this. it is overwhelming but again trying to be strong......
as far as updates on owen his billy-ribbon numbers have goe down again so he is off the lights again and he has gone from 9 cc of food every 3 hrs to 12 ccs overnight and his oxygen levels have been lowered as he is breathing better on his own and doesnt need as much help. all GREAT news!